We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
there is glitter all over my balls
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