last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
