Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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