words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize