Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
