Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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