he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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