I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
