Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
whose parrot is this?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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