i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
