wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
