Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize