Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize