Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
