I smell stomach acid.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
