nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
