He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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