I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
