yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
FUCK WHALES
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
