I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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