evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
