News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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