No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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