Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
40s are totally the cure
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize