I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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