I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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