I think I won the penis lottery.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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