sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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