omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
