someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
