Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
