May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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