I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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