Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
