I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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