i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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