I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
