Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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