My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
