another moral hangover. fuck.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
