i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
