remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
