so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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