if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize