Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
