so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
