Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
