Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
