Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
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