"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
