It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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