Someone shit on the floor
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
