JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
