What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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