I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
