Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
