I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
