Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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