How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
