no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
