with your own penis?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
