'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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