I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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