you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
No more Irish car bombs ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
