Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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