I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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