I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize