apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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