i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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