You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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